Fortuna Favet Fortibus

Thursday, January 20th, 2005

9:32 pm

It's actually not going to work out, is it? It's like we're not meant to be together. I have work on Saturday, he has rugby on Sunday. We are so, so fucking fucked. I hate............. current mood: depressed current music: KOL - rememo
(1 truth \| tell me)

8:23 pm

I feel like I'm standing on the edge. I'm feeling (finally) that maybe stuff isn't going to work out with George. It's nothing he's done... it's nothing to do with the person he is. He's everything I want. It's what he hasn't done; it's the confusion and frustration that's driving me mad. The truth of the matter is that I have absolutely no idea how he feels about me, and I just don't think he feels that way. Or maybe it's wrong to be taking the advice of Dylan, the guy I completely fucked over (much the same way as George fucked me over, except that I didn't quite have the guts to bluntly ask George how he felt). I think Dylan, surprisingly put it pretty damn well when I talked to him yesterday.

You really grabbed the bad end of the stick, Rachel, he said. Being dealt it and dealing it out.

He's angry with me, I know that. I think he also feels bad for me, knowing how badly I feel about it all. Knowing that I'm as fucked over as he is, and worse for having hurt someone else and therefore punishing myself. He also said that if he had musical talent he would write a song about me. Oh good, I get to be the jaded, spiteful, heartbreaking woman in a song. Not exactly what I would have expected.

But I think things are going to be OK with Dylan. As you can probably tell, I told Dylan about George - although he already had some idea. And I left him with some hope to save his pride, although I know it will never happen. And he doesn't believe things will work out with George, and he's probably right.

current mood:

sad
current music: Idlewild - The remote part

Tuesday, January 18th, 2005

9:47 pm

I don't feel so good today. It's my own fault for staying up until 1 last night texting George. Every time I was drifting off my phone would buzz loudly and I'd sleepily lunge for it and compose some sleepy reply. Argh, what's the point anyway? He only likes me as a friend.
>Do I count as a mistake? (I ask him. We were talking about the people we've pulled.)
>>Of course not! You're a friend!

Awesome. Just awesome.
Then again I suppose I deserve it having pulled roughly four people since we first got together. And I should be grateful that his count is currently nil. I am a terrible, terrible person.

All I can hope is that we do actually meet up this weekend and it all goes fantastically well. It won't, of course. Oh how positive I am tonight!

current mood:

depressed

Monday, January 17th, 2005

3:14 pm - What a way to start 2005

I just want to apologise for my recent behaviour. OK, I'm aware that I really don't need to apologise to you people, but I am in truth ashamed. Much as I hate it, I care what people think of me. Recently I've been reckless and dissolute, I'm probably damaging a lot of things in my life at the moment. I'm taking some time out at the moment to re-assess my life and re-establish some things. This is something I'm very good at, thinking about myself and trying to figure myself out. But let's be honest, it hasn't done a lot of good.

I realise that I come across as confident and a little proud. But actually I've always been a bit insecure, particularly feeling unloved, fearing a lack of personality and making up for it by being overly anxious about the way I look. Pulling a lot has been a way to reassure myself that I am attractive, and a way of making up for the fact that I've never actually had a meaningful, lasting relationship with a guy. Not a relationship at all, really.

On top of this, I am easily influenced and slightly morally loose. I am selfish and don't think of the consequences of my actions enough. I am very much one of those people living in the present and trampling her way through life (how well I fit into our modern, western society).

I am saying all of this because I know how many people there are in the world like me, who enjoy their youth and lose sight of the bigger picture, who party and think it's OK to experiment because when we're young we think we're 'indestructible', as my parents like to tell me. Only I'm not talking about indestructible in terms of life and health. I'm talking about mind and soul. When we're young everything we do affects our future, everything somehow influences the person we will become when we are older. And the same is true for our adolescence.

This is why it is so important to know ourselves, and further, to be true to ourselves. But in reality it's hard to do that when you're not quite sure who you are and what you want, or when your priorities are all messed up. Or if you're insecure with who you are, like me. Then it's easy to slip into things you know are wrong, in order to fit in or to comfort yourself is some obscene, self-harming way.

Sometimes we spend as much time hurting and punishing ourselves when we're upset with someone else, or feeling badly about ourselves.

It hasn't been a good start to 2005. All my resolutions are as worthless as I thought they would be. Luckily I get to start again, hopefully with more thought and carefulness. Whether or not things work out the way I want (which, let's face it, is probably unlikely). When I say things like that it makes me feel like I'm getting old. Then again, I call myself an "18 year old child", so perhaps it is past time I started maturing?

current mood:

thoughtful
current music: The Verve - Lucky Man

Sunday, January 16th, 2005

8:58 pm - ModerationStation

From now on, the word is Moderation.
Drinking is bad. Drinking makes you throw up and do some very, very stupid things. My God, sometimes I shock myself with how big an idiot I can be.

This was the scene. After work I went with Sam up to London because Olga had invited us to this Russian winter festival in Trafalgar Square. That turned out to be a big waste of time, but afterwards we went back to have a party in Dylan's garage. After a really crazy journey (one old mini, 7 people, 60 mph), we got there and had some drinks. I had far too many drinks, and that's what went wrong.

First of all there was Dylan. He's the kind of guy you flirt with and hug. But then you get much too drunk much too quickly and somehow end up kissing him. Yup, I did it again. Amazing, huh?

I guess one of the reasons would have to be George, who has had me a bit upset with his lack of attention to me. Also, I'm upset with the way things are so very casual between us. You see, George is a bit of a womaniser, or at least back at school. That came from his own mouth, although he used the word 'slag'. So I guess I'm worried that I'm just another girl he's pulled and put behind him. This is the thing - I just wish I knew where I stood with him, because sometimes I get the impression he likes me more than that, but I don't have the self-confidence or the assurance from him to know it.

But I couldn't stop thinking about George last night - thinking about how he'd have done it and that. Dylan is a nice guy - probably nicer than George in some ways, and more reliable. For one thing he looked after me when I was sick (yup, that's what came next), when I know that George would have been as far away as possible from me. Then again, I don't like people seeing me when I'm being sick. And in any case, George is hotter in every possible way than Dylan, and I want to be with him.

Instead I'm pulling some other guy, and my regret in the morning was so huge. Especially when I got home and saw the fattest hickie you ever saw. Like the size of Mars, or something. No amount of makeup is going to hide it so I'm permenantly attached to my scarf and, thank God, the parentals haven't yet noticed. But again I just thought, George wouldn't have given me something like that.

Anyway, to cap it off I get a text from George saying let's meet up this weekend and we can do whatever you want.

I get the impression God is trying to tell me something. Probably has for a while, actually. Well, finally it's worked. Drinking in moderation, no guys except for George, and whatever you want.

-By the way, does anyone know any good ways of getting rid of hickies? Because like this is serious.

current mood:

regretful

Thursday, January 13th, 2005

6:25 pm - To Rosie: This one's for you

Hey sis I heard you weren't having such a great week, so this post is especially for you. Xxx I just want to encourage you to put your trust in God, try and find a church or group you can go to. I think it would be good for you. Also remember, some men (and women) are fools. Be yourself and always be true to yourself. Love Rach
(5 truths \| tell me)

Monday, January 10th, 2005

10:26 pm

Everyone's talking about storms at the moment. On here, on my friends page, that is. Not in sunny England. Actually it's not sunny. It is grey and windy and raining a bit. And I want a storm. I want proper thunder and lightning, and lots and lots of rain. And I want the summer too! Come on seasons, hurry up and change!

I had a nice day yesterday. I drove to Guildford, which was fun except for my dad constantly checking the speedometer. That was irritating, especially since I was trundling along at 30 almost the whole way. Give me some 50 roads, please! I had to take some clothes back, which made me sad because they were properly retro. But, you see, I need money at the moment, and I wasn't entirely sure that the dungarees didn't make me look fat. Talking of fat, I am on a 'diet' at the moment. Why is it that whenever I diet I automatically seem to get very, very hungry all of the time?

I think George is probably doing better than me at dieting at the moment. Somebody tell him to stop! I don't want him to be skinny! He will actually be a stick. Talking of George, he annoyed me yesterday. I had this whole plan to not talk to him for ages (what I hoped to accomplish with that, I'm not entirely sure). But yesterday I was researching some art on the internet so I signed into MSN, but set it on 'Busy' so that he'd see that I was unavailable. And yet he still talked to me! I think this is a good thing, but even so, damn you for wrecking my evil plan!

Wish me luck on my Psych exam tomorrow!

current mood:

good

Thursday, January 6th, 2005

7:05 pm

Firstly I am in a much better mood than yesterday, despite the trauma that was getting home from college today.

It all begins with the railway folk deciding to change the train home from 24 past the hour to 22 past. Not a big difference, no, but we finish college at 15 past, and two minutes can make a world of difference. My last subject was art and I was printing and had made a huge mess, so I figured I had missed the train. However, when I arrived at the train station I found that the train had been seriously delayed, so I hadn't missed it after all! Yay!

HOWEVER, the story doesn't end here, oh no. The yayness lasted until Weybridge station, where I saw my train pulling away in front of my eyes. Then commenced the most harrowing 30 minute wait ever. Harrowing mostly due to Smiley hugging me and trying to kiss me again!!! Argh!!!! It made me feel ill. You see, he kissed me once before on my cheek, and I wanted to rub my face off with sandpaper. Smiley has a nickname in our group, you see. ...A nickname besides Smiley, that is (:-/), and that nickname is Slimey. Good, huh?

Anyway, finally on the train I try calling the parents to pick me up. And they're not home! So I walk home, it takes 20 minutes and I miss Neighbours. But then I had a bath so I feel much better.

current mood:

good
current music: Echo + the Bunnymen - The Killing Moon

Wednesday, January 5th, 2005

8:27 pm

The sky was really pretty this morning. I feel tired and a bit rubbish really. It's not good. current mood: not good
(tell me)

Tuesday, January 4th, 2005

10:16 pm

I went back to college today. Armed with a handful of resolutions I was feeling pretty confident, and it was OK. I wasn't even majorly horrible to anyone, although I did spend time bitching about Jay. Jay is extremely annoying. He does twattish things like drinking neat gin, bragging about his sex life with the girlfriend he supposedly loves, much bullshitting, telling people to 'chill' and being bitchy to me because he doesn't know how to talk to me, or something. But I've known Jay is annoying for a long time. I should just get over it.

On a completely different subject, I've decided that I will have to have an old car as my first car. I was thinking of a Triumph, maybe, or something similar. How flipping cool will that be!?

current music: Radiohead - from Romeo + Juliet

(5 truths | tell me)

Sunday, January 2nd, 2005

7:24 pm

Happy New Year folks, just slightly late :D
Hope you all had a good one. Mine was all right, I went to Beckenham with Amy where Paul was throwing a big party. The people I was with were quite reserved though, not big with the drinking or the fun-having (in other words, civilised and chilled out), so it wasn't as fun as it could have been. I drank a fair amount though, so much that after midnight time really seemed to fly, and I was calling George and it was one thirty. Poor guy was in bed, but he didn't mind because he's great.

Anyway, look what I did!
( The Year That Was 2004 )

Oh, but my best musical discovery may have to change though, since I've discovered Richard Cheese. Have you heard of this guy? He does the most amazing lounge covers of songs such as Chop Suey, Fight For Your Right, Smack My Bitch Up, What's My Age Again, Suck My Kiss... the list goes on. If you have Kazaa or whatever, I strongly recommend downloading for smiles and giggles.

current mood:

good
current music: Cheese

Thursday, December 30th, 2004

6:59 pm

I am looking so healthy right now. Not. I have this whole grey pallor thing going on with shadows under my eyes and really, really bad hair. But I'm good.

Tuesday night Sam had a free house so there was a gathering, about 20 people maybe? That was pretty good, I thought. In any case I got drunker than I have been in a long time ... without throwing up or anything! Quite a few people from Strodes came, including Jay, who is right back at the top of my list of annoying friends, and Smiley, who wasn't invited and made me feel uncomfortable.

George was also there. It was a bit odd at first... neither of us really knew how to act and in any case he's not into being overly affectionate in public, which is a good thing. I just remember Dave who wanted to practically make out with me in front of kids, and that was just wrong and nasty. But we steadily got drunk together and as people left we got looser and closer, and he quickly kissed me at the bottom of the stairs before we went up to join the others. He surpised me with that. He's been surprising me quite a lot recently, and to be honest I'm impressed.

Anyway I've just realised how much detail I'm going into here, so I better stop with that. I've been keeping a personal diary for years so it feels natural to write everything down.

Yesterday I felt absolutely terrible, completely knackered and ill. I slept a lot, but it mostly just made me feel rough. But at the same time it was kind of a satisfying feeling. Anyway, I woke up enough when I went round Amy's for a gathering of the Fullbrook crew, which was fun. We played articulate and talked a lot. We are so sensible together!

current mood:

okay
current music: The Church - Under the milky way

Sunday, December 26th, 2004

10:01 pm

Hey everyone, hope you all had a good Christmas! Sorry that I didn't wish you all a happy Christmas yesterday, I was a little busy :)

I had a really lovely Christmas. For my family, Christmas is a very traditional affair, pretty much the same thing every year. What I love is the peace and space we create; the harmony and wellbeing I feel on Christmas day is so true and deep, like for a day in the year we create our own world and everything is right.

In the morning I went with dad to my grandmother's. Though I am a Christian, whether right or wrong, I've never liked church a huge deal, and I find the proceedings on Christmas day a little forced, at least for me. I felt my time would be better spent with Grandma, who I do not get to see regularly because of work and who I thought would appreciate some company. She is noticeably old now, lonely and her memory is not so good. I spent some time with her looking through photos from back in '59. Photos from the past always draw me, especially of Grandma, maybe because I think she used to be so beautiful, and now she is old.

Perhaps that explains the sense of sweet melancholy that was with me all day? It was not unpleasant, but in very peaceful times I seem to get very thoughtful.

We had lunch at about 2 yesterday, really delicious and civilised. After this we moved into the living room where we opened presents with coffee, chocolates and liqueurs. As I say, very civilised. I love the present giving, not just because of receiving presents, but because I love the sharing, the expression of love that the giving of a thoughtful present represents. I love to show my family that I appreciate them, because I do. I am very grateful for the family I have and the life I have, though at times I may find both wanting.

So a very satisfactory day.

current mood:

good
current music: Idlewild - The Remote Part/Scottish Fiction

Thursday, December 23rd, 2004

8:48 pm - Today I have mostly been...

- Sleeping
- Singing tunelessly
- Repeating the phrase "Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts? ... The carrot cake has No nuts."
- Playing on The Sims
- Sleeping
- Reading

With intervals of eating (I have consumed 400g of galaxy chocolate in the last three or four days), painting, attempting to write (I'm starting my story again!!:-/) talking to a loser gayboy... and sleeping.

Accomplished much, so do I proclaim it.

current mood:

A Little Bit Weird
current music: KOL - Aha! (Taper Jean Girl)

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004

6:04 pm

Feeling better today. Dad took me out to Guildford and I actually managed to get my Christmas shopping! I have decided that I actually love Ottokar's bookshop, even with its appalling lack of Guy Gavriel Kay books. Speaking of the man himself, I am reading my fave book, The Lions Of Al-Rassan again, and I remember just why I loved it so much the first time. No book I have read has ever been able to equal its magnificent balance of humour and tragedy, and both aspects are done so brilliantly.

Furthermore, to make this day truly special, my lovely parents have decided to write off all my debt. How nice is that? From now on don't listen to me if I complain about them. Even if they are wasting their lives living in this shoddy little town, instead of in the country, making plum pies and keeping bees like they should be, they are truly special and lovely people.

I am not feeling so sure of myself, only a certainty that it will work out.

current mood:

OK
current music: Idlewild - American English

Tuesday, December 21st, 2004

6:34 pm

I'm feeling really quite sad today.

Perhaps it's because I went to see Muse last night and passed out, so I missed at least six songs, including Plug In Baby, one of my favourites. It was a bit crazy, really; boiling, hot and crazy. I was really upset about missing such a chunk of the gig, especially since my ticket cost £40 altogether.

I hate the fact that I fainted. There is this crazy part of me that always resurfaces, the overwhelming desire to be strong. Yet when I get too drunk I spend hours incapacitated, hugging the toilet, and now it seems I am capable of passing out as well.

Perhaps my sadness is just the time of year. Grey skies and suburban dullness gets me so down. I love warmth, sunshine and greenness. This house with its cheap, thoughtless making gets me down.

It is times like these when the smallest things can bring me down and purpose and happiness seem pretty out of reach.

current mood:

drained
current music: The Hives - Diabolic Scheme

Saturday, December 18th, 2004

11:22 pm

Work wants me to start at my usual time on new year's day.
My usual time is 8.00 am.
WHAT A FUCKING JOKE!

Last night I went to the 6 Form social, which was great, except that because I was drunk I kept thinking about George :(
But mostly I had a good time. Me and Paul executed our plan to get secretly wasted. Well, it worked to begin with.

The lift back from the social was one of the scariest ever. For one thing, when I get drunk I tend to feel really, really ill in cars. Luckily I did not throw up, nor even feel horrifically ill. Another thing, I was squashed in with five really pissed guys, possibly including the driver, and one guy with no top and his head on my lap. He was quite nice though, he kept stopping my knees from banging on the car door when Simon took a hard corner.

And - oh my goodness (for me, anyway) - at the social, Jamie told me that he had seen Alex and Phil in London. OK, aware that this means nothing to you, but they were the guys I got all messed up over at the Reading festival. So, being properly drunk, I told Jamie exactly what I thought of Alex, with much swearing on the side. Jamie being Jamie, this went completely over his head and he said he thought Alex was a nice guy. Oh, for sure.

current mood:

tired
current music: Mogwai - take me somewhere nice

Wednesday, December 15th, 2004

8:51 pm

Dear George, This is why I hate you (CG is him): Clark Gable says: >>hey ru free 2moz? Happiness, coming and going says: >>i finish college at 12 Clark Gable says: >>i c And then nothing! No more! Were you going to ask me out? Why are you such a loser??????!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! current mood: GRRRR!!!! current music: Muse
(1 truth \| tell me)

Tuesday, December 14th, 2004

6:44 pm

Flipping Christmas SUCKS this year.
Why does everyone want books and CDs? How about some IMAGINATION people?
And work, just PAY me for crap's sake! Please?
Yeah let me tell you it is so fecking easy to get into the Christmas spirit when you have NO money.

Sorry for the yelling. Not the best mood tonight.

Sam and James were prats at lunchtime, AGAIN. Alone they are fine and apologise for their stupid behaviour, but then they all pick on me again. Tom calls them prats and apologised for their behaviour, but because he's an ADD, immature cretin he's laughing like Butthead and going along with them at the time, with the nerve to send me apologetic glances. I know I'm a fucking idiot for not ditching them, because their general behaviour angers and embarrasses me a lot.

George is also angering me, which is harsh because he's a bit down at the moment, but he could be making some effort to see me again. That's what you do when you like someone, right? Jeez, I don't know what to do about him.

Todays song:
-So don't let the world bring you down.
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold.

The Warmth - Incubus

current mood:

bad